Mina was sitting by her window, eyeing the heavy night rain. She had been sitting there in the dark for a long time,lost in her thoughts in her empty apartment.
Junho wasn't there playing his games, Minhyun was not there to be with her(probably forever) and Minju's laugh did not fill her place anymore.
They were all gone and it would probably be this way from then on.
Mina didn't mind spending time alone but this was different, it was a turning point in their lives, the moment when promises tended to break.
A moment when "always" crumbled down to pieces. A moment when interests shifted.
A moment when bonds weakened.
A light music escaped her pocket.
Mina took her phone out of it and unlocked it, blinded by the screen's light.
Her mother at that time of the night?
"...Hello mom." said Mina as she received the call.
"How are you?" asked the woman,more out of habit than worry.
She felt awful and was at an ultimate low.
She wanted to speak to her and tell her that she felt worthless and just wanted to disappear.
She wanted her to know that she was sick of living, that waking up every day was just too hard.
She was broken and unsure that she would ever be fine again one day.
Her mother didn't reply for an instant, maybe she had noticed that she was lying.
Maybe Mina wanted her to notice since she never was able to tell her how she felt.
Maybe she was wondering why she was up that late and would ask her what's wrong.
"I see. How's Junho?"
"He's fine too."
"Good. How are his grades? Does he have a lot of friends?"
"Everything is alright."
"Is he happy these days?"
"He is I think."
Mina was used to this.
Mina was used to listening to her mother going on and on about her little brother.
She knew what she meant to her mother, she was a constant reminder of a failed marriage and bitter love while Junho had been a new beginning to her.
Her mother wasn't mean to her or never blamed her but she was always detached emotionally and would always try to compensate with it materially.
Mina did not hate her but couldn't help but be hurt even after all these years.
"Do you need anything?"
The same old question used instead of others.
A question about her health, her friends, her life or even her dating life for example.
It was always the same.
"....When will you be back mom?"
"...I'm not sure. Why?"
How could she ask her that? Wasn't it obvious?
"Because we haven't seen your face in almost three months?" replied a now slightly annoyed Mina.
"Sorry, I can't come for now, I have a lot of meetings planned ahead-"
"...Are you even really sorry?" asked Mina with her eyes now tearing up.
She was tired of always running after others, she was tired of caring too much when others didn't.
It had almost been a decade since she had begun living like this.
It all started with short days without her at the age of ten, short days that turned into weeks over the years and months as soon as she turned fifteen.
She had to learn everything by herself, she had to reach every life's milestones on her own.
"...You know, it was my birthday not so long ago." whispered Mina into her phone. " My eighteenth birthday."
Mina wondered what kind of face she was making, was she sad? Angry at herself for forgetting? Was she bothered?
Did she care at all?
"Sorry..I….I was too busy."
"I know. You always are." almost laughed Mina, bitter "..But is it really that hard to get a call?"
"Mina…It won't happen again sorry."
"You also forgot last year and the year before that."
Her silence was painful, maybe more than excuses that would show that she at least cared about hurting her or not.
There was nothing.
"You are all grown-up now...I didn't think it mattered as much as before."
"...Or maybe you just regret having me so much that you just prefer forgetting about me." sobbed the young and lonely girl. "Maybe I should just not exist, maybe that would be better for everyone and especially you."
"..Don't say that."
"...Do you even care? Do you even love me mom..?" asked a crying Mina.
There was always a "but".
It never was a clear answer.
"...But you can't expect me to be like other mothers, you know what I went through-"
She knew it too well, she had seen it all unfold.
She had witnessed her mother's change of attitude towards her, she had seen her focus totally on baby Junho, often leaving her crying alone.
She remembered all those times she was scared at night, she remembered knocking on her door and remembered it never opening.
She had buried her dark feelings deep inside of her so that her mother would smile again, she had fed her selfishness for years.
"And me? Does it not matter to you that I have to bear everything on my own because of you? That I am the one paying for your mistakes?!"
"I'm not!!! Do you know...Do you know what it feels like to grow up alone? On your own? Do you know how many times I wanted you to be here to help me?"
"I started leaving you because you were old enough and able to take care of yourself."
"...Was I old enough at fourteen? thirteen? twelve? Even ten years old? Was I old enough to raise Junho and partially Minju on my own??"
"You could already cook and-"
"And emotionally? Have you ever thought about how this affected me?" said a shaking Mina. " I had no childhood, no one to lean on."
Silence once again.
An horrible one at that too.
"Darling it's late...Let's talk again later alright?"
She was avoiding the topic once more.
She always did.
"...You shouldn't have given birth to me if it was to abandon me. Maybe I am better of dead."
Mina hung up the phone and sighed, wiping her tears away before receiving a message.
<<....I'm sorry. I will come by as soon as I can but not before the end of April.
Late Happy birthday.>>
Mina did not reply and started scrolling through her quite empty contact folder.
She needed someone,anyone.
Junho was out, Minju on a date and she didn't know Yunseong,Wooseok, Woohyun and Yujin enough to call them.
Minhyun….Minhyun was probably with Seongwu and Kami hadn't been responding to her messages for the past few hours.
Mina eyed Myungsoo's contact info for an instant before dialing his phone number.
A ring, two rings…
She wanted him to pick up more than ever.
"Hi?" answered the drowsy voice of her old best friend.
Things had become awkward between them after learning that he loved her.
She did not hate the idea but just couldn't understand why it was her out of all the other girls that he had chosen.
She was a mess, a broken thing that kept on slipping deeper and deeper into her abyss-like depression.Her world was colorless, an ocean of gray devoid of light. There was no sun and stars in her universe, only chaos.
She was sinking into dark waters, unable to breathe or scream, she was slowly dying.
"...Did I woke you up? S..Sorry I'll hang up." replied Mina.
"Wait! What's wrong?" asked Myungsoo worried.
He had heard her.
What if he was annoyed? What if he in fact hated hearing her voice?
"....I needed to talk to someone. I….Everybody's busy and I had only you left. I'm sorry for bothering you."
"You aren't bothering me, I'm fine. You can always call me."
"..You aren't annoyed…?"
"Hmmm…..I'm not, just disappointed maybe?"
"You called me because the others weren't available, I wasn't your first choice." explained Myungsoo.
"It's fine, I would just like to be someone you can rely on when in need."
Mina liked hearing him, his voice soothed her.
"I want to rely on you but...I don't want to hurt you in the process."
"How could you hurt me?"
"...I'm not sure, but I end up bringing misery around me it seems and I don't want you to be sad…."
"No you don't…And you bring me so much joy."
Mina nervously started picking at her clear nail polish.
This was a good question.
Was it her mother? Her past relationship? Her lack of love or her hate for herself?
Everything was wrong.
"...I guess that living is especially hard today."
"My mother called me and we argued."
Myungsoo knew her relation with her and how lonely Mina had been because of that woman growing up.
"I just….I just feel like a mistake." admitted Mina.
"You aren't one...You...You are so precious and it hurts me to even think that you hate yourself…"
"Then why…? Why am I always the one left behind Myungsoo? Am I doing something wrong..?"
"No you are not…"
"...Wait an instant ok?"
Mina heard some noises at the other end of the line.
"What are you doing…?" asked Mina
"Do you remember when we were kids how I would sing for you every time you were sad?" sweetly asked Myungsoo
"Of course…" smiled Mina, leaning her head back against the wall. " I loved listening to you sing."
Those were better times.
She heard him accord a guitar.
"Then lay down comfortably and listen ok?"
Mina laid down on the floor, eyeing the rain drops racing each others on her large living room's windows.
The young girl brought her phone closer to her ears as he played a few light notes.
Notes that turned into chords and a beautiful dreamy melody.
"The shadows grazing the walls without knowing that the sun was up.
The dreaming child thought stars never shined when the moon is gone and cried.
Someone told me, "Those little sorrows are precious."
That's you.." slowly started Myungsoo as Mina started relaxing, she had always loved his voice.
"I know once you told me
"The you that is still trapped at a young age is more beautiful."
I know what you told me,
"Just the way I am now,
I am a piece of this world"."
Were these words true? Was she a part of this world? Did she deserve to breathe too?
"The dream keeps going on...
I dream." almost whispered Myungsoo.
Mina clutched the phone against her chest, as if to carve the lyrics into her heart.
"Even though the moon is gone now, my song won't stop,
it fills a white night.
There is a song that I have to sing,
To sing it out."
The pace was slowly getting faster and she could feel his heart pour out through his voice.
"Someone told me, "Those small reasons are what made you"
I know once you told me
"The you that is still trapped at a young age is more beautiful."
I know what you told me
Just the way I am now
I am me and, oh
I am beautiful.
I know what you told me
Just the way I am now
In this world..I…"
She heard him slow down.
"...I am already someone's star" confessed Myungsoo.
The last chords lingered on her mind for the next few seconds as she remained speechless.
It had been so beautiful that it felt almost unreal.
"..You are worth all the love that you want Mina. Never blame yourself for wanting to be cherished by someone." whispered Myungsoo.
"...Myungsoo." finally said Mina, silently crying.
How was he able to tell her all the right words when others couldn't ?
"...I want to see you. I want to be with you..." admitted Mina, hugging her phone, swallowing her tears.
"...me too." simply said Myungsoo before hanging up.
Mina stared at the screen for a long time, wondering if he would call her back, if he would send her a message or something…
Did she cross a line she shouldn't have with her last words? Was it cruel of her to say this to him when she was still unsure about her feelings?
Saying that she did not have any feelings for him was a lie.
She had always had feelings for him even if she had buried them deep inside of her.
Minhyun may have been her official first love, her first boyfriend, but Myungsoo had been the first boy she had ever loved.
The boy that had first made her think about love,the boy that had first wandered her dreams.
The boy that had been the first to broke her heart when he left.
No one ever forgets their first love, it was also the case for her.
Mina traced his name on the glass covered with condensation.
The time he came to her house and stayed by her until morning, the time he came to her help at school,the time when he confessed, this phone call and the song….
Four times, four times her heart skipped a beat for him, four times when she almost fell for him again.
And finally the doorbell.
Mina stood up, wiping her tears.
It had to be Minju coming back to give her the dress.
Mina deeply breathed in and opened the door.
A coatless, dripping wet Myungsoo from head to toes stood tall before her.
"H..Hey…Sorry...I am a mess." said the unexpected guest, out of breath and running a hand into his wet hair.
"You shouldn't open your door so easily at night young lady…" laughed Myungsoo. "What if I was a scary man?"
Mina rushed to him and hugged him.
Myungsoo hugged her back,burying his face into her neck.
"...What are you doing here?" asked a sobbing Mina.
"You said that you wanted to see me…"whispered Myungsoo in her ear." I couldn't let you cry alone.."
"I'm fine." replied Myungsoo before rubbing her tears off of her cheek with his hand.
She loved his touch, there was something so natural about it, something that relieved her of all of her stress.
Something that she had missed.
"You said that you could not come like this anymore…"
"Hmmmmm..." smiled Myungsoo
Mina wondered what was hiding behind this smile of his.
"Why? Why did you change your mind?"
"Because I love you." declared Myungsoo with all the honesty existing in their small and young world.
"Because every second is precious, because I don't want to leave you alone just because of my unrequited feelings. Because stars can be loved without ever being reached." smiled Myungsoo, referring to the lyrics before taking her hand in his. "Because no matter the pain, I am always happy to be with you."
Mina brought his fingers to her lips and kissed them under his sparkling eyes.
"....Can I believe in you?" asked Mina
She wanted him to say yes. She wanted him to promise that he would not abandon her.
"You can." replied Myungsoo, still smiling. " You can with all of your soul, I promise."
"...Will you hurt me Kim Myungsoo? Will you break my heart?" asked the girl with a sad smile on her lips.
"You know what I think about always and never…"
"I'll prove you wrong then. I'll prove you that both never and always exist in this world." whispered Myungsoo, pulling her closer to him. " I will always love you and never hurt you."
"This sounds like a fairytale to me…"
"You always were one to me from the very beginning, always so ethereal in everything you did." declared Myungsoo. "You always were my dream."
Mina felt tears appear once more in her eyes.
"...Who taught you to say such pretty words?" asked the girl
"You did." smiled Myungsoo. "You inspire me to be so much better. You really do."
Myungsoo blushed and bit down on his lip before hiding his face with his hand.
Why was he so lovely?
"Gosh...I really really do love you." confessed the boys with tears of joy in his eyes."So much that I sometimes feel like my heart is about to burst…"
Ten times were enough.
Her world was less gray.
Red from his cheeks, Yellow from the corridor's light, Blue from his blue-black hair…
He was like ink dropped into water, he was spreading warmth into her heart and colors into her universe.
"...Myungsoo...I am selfish, maybe I am like my mother in this way." started Mina. " I can't tell you that I love you back right now…"
Mina caressed his cheek.
She did not want to ever see him sad.
She wanted him to always stay blinding.
She kissed him.
A shy kiss that was soon embraced by Myungsoo who pulled her against himself even more.
This was different.
This was different from the kisses she had known before.
This felt right.
He felt right.
"...But I can do this." said Mina stepping back " I can promise you that I will one day."
"How can you be so sure…?"
"Because you moved my heart. Because I am beginning to fall for you Kim Myungsoo."
CommentairesSuivre le flux RSS des commentaires
Ajouter un commentaire