Minju had thought that it would be pleasant, that it would go smoothly and that she would love it.
But she hadn't had fun and hadn't been able to go all the way either.
They had stopped after a few kisses and foreplay.
It was already too painful.
She had been crying and didn't know what was wrong with her. She had cried even when Yohan had embraced her, even when he had whispered in her ear that they didn't need to continue if she wasn't at ease.
He had been perfect and even then, she had pushed him away.
"I'm sorry…" whispered Minju again, eyeing Yohan who was standing by the window, staring at the monsters.
They had received the messages from Mina and Myungsoo, they had heard the awful cries outside of their room and had seen the news.
Things had now died down and so had her tears.
She was just hurting now, and so was he.
"You don't have to apologize ok?" smiled Yohan, turning around before walking to her and kneeling before her.
Minju couldn't meet his eyes and jumped back when their fingers touched.
She was scared.
"...Minju..?" asked a worried Yohan, biting down on his lip.
She was scared of her body and the way it had reacted, she was scared that Yohan was and would be disappointed.
What if it always was like this? What if she always ended up crying when he touched her?
Was if it always this way?
She was scared.
She was scared that she wouldn't be able to enjoy his caresses that she loved so much but that her body refused.
"...I'm sorry." repeated once more Minju, in a quieter voice.
"Don't-" started Yohan, reaching out to her but stopping before his hand cupped her cheek. "..Don't be."
She hated herself, she hated seeing the guilt and sorrow in his eyes when he had done nothing wrong.
"I'm sorry. We should have waited." sadly stated Yohan before standing again and leaving her side.
She wanted him to stay and wanted to hug him but the words couldn't come out of her mouth.
She was frozen.
"..It's ok...We have more important things to think about." sighed the boy she loved so much, rubbing his temples.
Minju wrapped the sheets around her naked shoulders and wiped away a tear.
"....Are you disappointed?" asked Minju
She saw his face tense up.
She knew he was.
She didn't know what to say, her head was hurting.
"I am disappointed by myself." admitted her boyfriend.
She hated this.
She hated herself for being like this, hated him being sad and hated that already they weren't able to be open to one another.
"...You need to rest alright?" said Yohan before walking to the bathroom just as he had done a few hours ago. "We'll need to be strong for what is coming."
She had seen him go in there when she had pushed him away and had seen how red his eyes had been when he had finally left it.
"I don't! Please...Don't go, don't leave me." pleaded Minju,clenching the bed sheets.
Yohan sat against the wall, far away from her.
Too far for her liking.
"Please...Please tell me?" begged the pink haired girl.
She saw him hesitate, she saw him cover his face with his hands, she saw a tear roll down his cheek.
He looked so vulnerable, just like when they were just kids.
"....I am disappointed by myself because I wanted to make you happy, I wanted your first time to be the best one possible...And I couldn't even do that."
"It wasn't your fault…" silently cried Minju.
"But it was. I was the one who brought you here."
"And I agreed! I wanted to do it!"
A sad smile appeared on his lips.
"...Even so...I am just worthless. I swore to you that I would make you happy forever and already...Already I am ruining things."
"You don't know how much you mean to me...I've...I have always seen you and only you. I have always wanted nothing but for you to always be happy." confessed Yohan bringing his legs to his chest. " Even when we were younger and you would be interested in other boys. Even when I was angry that you didn't see me even though I always was by your side, even then."
"But I am happy enough already…" sighed Minju
"You don't get it.."
Minju didn't know this side of him.
The Yohan that lacked self-confidence.
"If I can't make you happy...Why would you ever stay with me?" asked Yohan with a shaking voice. " I know that I am not good enough for you,that I don't deserve you... I have always known it but...But you love me and god...I am blessed."
The Yohan that didn't love himself.
She had never seen that part of him before.
"So….I have you now, I have you and this is a miracle to be loved back by you so...How? How could I ever dare offer you something that is not equal or greater than perfection?" asked a teary eyed Yohan with a sad smile on his lovely face.
"Why would you think that I don't deserve you…?" asked a confused Minju
"Because...Because you are the closest thing to an angel there is. You are so kind and generous, humble and caring for the others even when you are struggling yourself...So talented and so...so...Beautiful. You make this world stunning and bearable." said Yohan. " Even this...Even this Hell is a true paradise because you are with me."
His breath was weak.
She could tell that he hadn't lied, that every word had come from the deepest part of his heart.
Minju didn't care if her body would shake or if she would cry again.
The young woman ran to him and hugged him against her chest.
"I love you." whispered Minju in his ear.
"I'm sorry love….So sorry…"apologised Yohan before pulling her closer to him. " I'm a mess."
"You are...But so am I."
Minju felt him bury his head in her neck.
"I don't need perfection and I don't want it." whispered Minju " I want it all, the good, the bad...I want to experience everything with you."
Yohan slowly pulled away and looked at her.
"Because we need to struggle through life to grow even closer to one another...And I know that we'll be alright at the end of it all." smiled the young girl
"Because we have always been together. Do you remember a time when we weren't?"
"We are more used to being together than alone…I don't think we'll ever grow apart."
Yohan finally smiled and caressed her cheek, she was not startled anymore.
"See? You truly are my angel, you take all of my fears away." confessed Yohan before leaning in and kissing her.
Minju held him tight against herself, scared that he would leave her again.
"Then...I'm not leaving you….Ever. Even if you are tired of me." laughed Yohan
"I'll never grow tired of you." promised Minju
"I hope so."
Yohan kissed her forehead
"Do you feel better?"
"...We rushed things as always right?"
"We did…" laughed Minju.
Yohan pulled her closer to him.
"Myungsoo told me that we should slow down because we still are kids...He was right again."
"...Are you frustrated?"asked an embarrassed Minju
Yohan coughed to clear his throat.
"Yes but it doesn't matter, I'll wait for you to be ready." stated the young man, blushing
He was lovely and she would never get over him.
"Ah~My Yohan is red~"
"No I am not!" replied Yohan before hiding his face
"Look at me…"
"Hmm?" asked the young man
" You are more than good enough for me, I adore you."
CommentairesSuivre le flux RSS des commentaires
Ajouter un commentaire